I remember being five years old hearing my alcoholic, narcisstic mother yelling at me telling me I was a mistake and not wanted. Being the first born and the reason my parents "had" to get married really upset me. I was reminded of this and how dumb I was all of my life. Impulsively, I got married young to an abuser and stayed, with children for 25 years. During the divorce, I lost a brother to mental illness and a year later was drugged, raped and beaten. Then my father died suddenly forcing me to deal with all of this alone in a short amount of time. Therapy helped me, but my friends forced me to see I needed to fight through all my pain and depression if I wanted to heal. My heart broke as my youngest son, especially saw me break down repeatedly. It has taken years of therapy and support to become stronger and more confident emotionally and mentally. The physical pain is still overwhelming, but my mind's memories are in control now. I have learned to breathe and focus on healing.